There’s no “us” in nachos.
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Think I pulled my liver
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]