“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom