Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
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If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Husband of the year 😂
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase