@sofarrsogud

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

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@SonOfCha

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

@AmishSuperModel

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

@karencheee

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

@DanMentos

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

@isaidwhat_

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

@rockymomax

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

@

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

@heidi420x

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

@Darlainky

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.