I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
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I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!