People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
😩😩😩
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown