you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew