you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”