Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
2022 will be better than 2021
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?