Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.


Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.


i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either


ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic


Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.


Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper


Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts


I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.