I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!