ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me