A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
awkward