[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
me adding lol on a serious message
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*