Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson