Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators