A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp