why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”