This cat wants you to take your pills
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t