Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly