I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy