Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.