Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.