I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail
–the invention of zebras
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?