@rad_milk

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

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@ddsmidt

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@stephenjmolloy

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

@abbycohenwl

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

@skitzoette

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

@Dawn_M_

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

@fro_vo

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras