the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
They got a point!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.