Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
You Might Also Like
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Not all heroes wear capes.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅