At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.