me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?