Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.