calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Living the best life.. 😊
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Well, this explains it:
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry