GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
this is the best day of my life
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.