I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.