If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Only a mother’s love …
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…