The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy