Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are