There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.