Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.