Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

You Might Also Like


Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.


Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win


There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button


I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.


[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans




Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands


My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.


[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”



Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.