@SomeChrisTweets

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

@WilliamAder

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

@

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

@MichaelaOkla

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.