Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.