Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
This might be the funniest tweet ever
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Labreador
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.