Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
🏙👨🏼
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning