I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.