Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You Might Also Like
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: