All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Note to self: I am a note
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best