Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
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I…do not understand how electricity works.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Traveler’s camo
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
🖤✌🏽