Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”