ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.