You Might Also Like
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
What a chick magnet..
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Strange
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.