My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”