My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted