Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck