My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.