it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
everyone’s a critic
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.