Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
You Might Also Like
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
who called it hell and not heaven’t
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.