Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.