Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Watermelon Boss!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?